If you had asked me 2.5 months ago if I had faith in my Heavenly Father, I would have told you absolutely. And I would not have been lying. I have seen miracles in my life that can only have been explained by the love of a compassionate God and Father, I have felt His hand directing my life and I have seen things turn out better than I could have imagined them for myself. “Of course I have faith. Of course I trust Him”, I would have insisted.
But if you ask me now if 2.5 months ago I had faith in my Heavenly Father, I might nod slowly but then say, “But I didn’t know how much more faith I could have”.
About 2.5 months ago I was returning home from my trip to Europe. As Abby and I sat along the river forcing down our last French pastry (yes forcing…we had eaten a lot of them!) while we waited for Melissa to come back from her hunt for chocolate, I was torn with emotions. I did not want to leave France but I also wanted so much to go home to the familiarity of the USA. France was magical, but it was not home. But at the same time, I knew I was going home to a job situation where I was not going to be happy much longer and an almost overwhelming panic of what I was going to do. I had no idea. Every time I had tried to do job hunting or make any plans for the future I just kept getting the feeling “Just wait. Stop trying so hard because you are not going to find it right now. Be patient”. So I stopped hunting. But not having a plan drove me crazy. So I wanted to stay in France where nobody knew me, where job and financial panic did not exist for me and I could wander the streets looking for the best gelato, pain chocolat and beignets.
I had mentioned to the girls I was traveling with that I was thinking it might be fun to go into marketing. I remember growing up talking a little bit of business and marketing with my dad and thinking it was the coolest. He might not even remember, but it made an impression on me and I honestly thought I could be good at it. But I had always loved the human body and was fascinated with it, so I studied Human Movement Science in school. I don’t regret it. I loved it so much and everything happens for a reason. But I digress. Upon returning home to the US, one of the girls I was with texted me within a couple of days of being home that a girl she knew had posted on Facebook that her marketing company was looking for some interns. I decided to look into it…because really, what did I have to lose? I had little experience in marketing – I had been helping a teeny bit with the wellness company marketing department where I was working – but no formal training and no real knowledge of the industry. But it was something I wanted and I was willing to do the work to get it.
There were two internships to be filled: one was a writing internship – writing blog articles (guest posts, even) for clients, while the other was an outreach internship, working with bloggers to get the written articles posted and also to coordinate client product reviews. Both sounded great and I didn’t know which I wanted to do more. After two interviews and about a week and a half of time, I was offered an internship – doing both positions. I could not have been happier. My health coaching job had just recently become part time since the coach I had been filling in for had returned from maternity leave and the internship was flexible, so it took up the other half of my day. It really could not have worked out any better.
I was told the internship would last at most through the end of the summer. 2 weeks later, I was offered a full time position. I put in my two weeks notice at my other job and within about 6 weeks of coming home from Europe, I had acquired an internship that turned into a full time job and I was now working in marketing doing two things that I love – writing and interacting in the blogging world.
I could not have planned this any better if I had asked for it specifically. I kind of knew what I wanted but I did not know how to get it. My Heavenly Father did. He asked me to trust Him and I did. He gave me more than I could have hoped for.
Then about a month ago, in the midst of all this new job bliss, I had another experience that increased my faith more than anything I have ever experienced. I won’t go into detail. Even if you ask me in person, I won’t tell you what it was. It is very personal to me. But what I will tell you is what I felt. I was on a roller coaster – one second I was happy, at peace, feeling so good that I was on the right path, doing what my Father wanted me to do only the next second to plummet into doubt, fear and anxiety. In my times of doubt I fought so hard to rely on my Heavenly Father. I have never fought so hard for faith, for trust, for peace, for reassurance. I read scriptures, I listened to Conference talks, I attended the temple and did all that was in my power to maintain the peace I had initially felt about this particular situation.
There were days when I tried to take control of the situation. One day in particular I remember clearly praying the situation would be resolved that day – insisting I could not take it anymore. Later that day, while sitting at work (where it was unusually calm and quiet that day – it tends to be loud and rowdy), I felt a gentle, but firm reprimand, “You need to repent. This is not your timetable”. Humbled, I quickly prayed for forgiveness and for faith in my Heavenly Father’s timeline. God knows best.
Finally one day, I went in humble submission to my Father that he would please just tell me what to do. Anything. I would do it. The next day through a series of events, it all clicked and I knew exactly what my next step was – but I was not pleased with it. It was something so unlike me, so bold, so very frightening for me. But I had received my answer. In the words of the Prophet Joseph Smith, “I knew it. And I knew God knew it”. There was no turning back.
That night I found myself completely vulnerable, in a situation where I had never been, shaking with anxiety. Afterward, I had complete peace. I had done my part. I did what Heavenly Father asked me to do and He was pleased with me. I felt happy, confident and empowered. It was wonderful! Two weeks later, the situation came to conclusion for the moment and I had never before felt so strongly that things were exactly as they needed to be. So much peace. I still don’t know how it will all turn out in the end but I am really not that concerned. My Heavenly Father is in control.
Through these times, as I have searched for faith all around me, I have been so touched by the faith I have witnessed of family and friends. Without knowing it, their examples have done so much for me. I am surrounded by strong, God-fearing men and women. I saw examples of people who have gone through trials I cannot even fathom and seeing their unwavering trust in God only increased mine. My words are not even sufficient to express the impact some of these people have had on me. I’m so blessed by them. So to you who have built me up without even knowing it – thank you. So very much.
I’ll leave you with this wonderful poem and the knowledge that I am not the same girl I was at the beginning of the summer. For that I am forever grateful.